We Remember You, Too


When I awoke this morning, I read a text from my friend: “T passed overnight.” I didn’t know this precious 93 day old, but my heart has been aching for his family as they’ve lived life in the NICU since his birth at 24 weeks. Every morning, I’ve prayed for him and his mama. I hope I always remember to pray for his mama.

PSX_20140828_093518The last year or so has been a doozy. We started off the year with an unexpected pregnancy for my sister, but then immediate bad news at her 8 week sonogram: Acrania. She carried my sweet nephew, bravely for 29 weeks until he quietly slipped from this world minutes after birth. A week later, a dear friend lost her sweet boy at 32 weeks, having no prior warning. Their grief is still raw and fresh. A year ago, another friend experienced a still birth; there have been so many earlier miscarriages that I can’t even count them.

I don’t write this to be scary. But I write this to say that you and I will either lose a baby or walk with a friend as she loses hers. So what do we do?

Be there. If you have a child, you can imagine what it would be to lose one. Be there for your friends. So often, when people experience loss, their friends slip into the background. I get that. We don’t know what to do or say or how to act. I’ve been guilty myself. But we have to try.

Two good friends asked me after my nephew’s death, what they could do. Because my sister is an introvert, I asked that they give her some time, but then pamper her socks off! A few weeks later, they surprised her with a gift card to do just that and sat and cried with her.

We all react differently to grief. Some people need space. Some people want company. Some people need to just go play raquet ball. Know thy friend. Think of her, not yourself when deciding what “being there” looks like.

Stay away from explaining it. I believed with all of my heart that my nephew would be healed. It sounded crazy, and I didn’t care. My sister believed she’d donate his organs when he was born. None of that came to fruition.

This world is broken. People die too young. People are depressed. People from amazing families end up on drugs and homeless. Sometimes there are no explanations for the heartbreak in our lives.

A friend gifted these key chains the size of my nephew’s hand to our family, after his death.

Remember. Days and weeks for us on the outside often involve forgetfulness. But for mamas who have lost, that child is always a part of her family. They can tell you how old he or she would be right now and recall their pregnancies clearly. They wonder what that child would look like now, how he would act, what her favorite color would be . . . all the things these mamas will never know. When you ask them how many children they have, that child will always be in the count. As their friends, we may not think about that child everyday. But we need to remember with our friends–that child was real and lived and is important.

I remember you: Morris, Jeanine, David, Lydia, Henry, Gabe, Silas, Faye, Evans, Tanner. Your mothers love you, and we love your mommies. You are important. You’ve changed the world forever, even if for a moment.

Comment below to remember a little one who left your family too soon. We want to honor these babies and their mamas.


  1. Thank you for sharing this story. Many, many hugs to you and your sister’s family. Thank you for being there for her and her family.

  2. Thanks for writing this, Anna. I have had several friends and family members lose a child. What I regret is not stepping in sooner to just be there. I read Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Steve Curtis Chapman’s wife, Mary Beth. It is about their journey after the death of their 5 year old daughter. The book helped me overcome by fear of not saything the right thing, etc.

  3. I really like that you said that our babies will always be a part of our families. That is so true. We remember our two babies that we lost in miscarriage often. I knew Phillip for only 21 weeks, and Elizabeth for only 9 weeks but the love we immediately felt for them is and always will be so strong!

    I also appreciate your article because it is impossible to know how to react to the loss unless you’ve been through it. I never gave it a thought until it happened to me and I felt like I was alone in my grief, thankfully my faith in God and the fact that I soon found others who had been through the same brought me comfort.

  4. Very well written. When I lost my first born, for lack of not knowing better hurtful words were spoken to me about my loss. There are no words you can say, just be a friend and let the mom know you love her and her baby that she grieves for.

  5. My dear, dear friend, Whitney, lost her beautiful baby girl, Alex, unexpectedly, around 3 months of age. We cherish Alex’s memory and hold Whitney and her unfathomable spirit in the highest regard. I cannot understand her pain, as in empathize, but I forever sympathize, grieve and rejoice life with her, and want her to know, I’ll always be there for her, come what may. Precious Alex in Heaven has an angel of a mother on Earth. Love you, Whit.


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