From the second the doctor calculated your due date, your brain started ticking down the seconds to that blessed day when you would finally meet your new bundle and regain your daintiness. That “blessed day” has now long passed and there is still a tiny (you hope) human occupying your womb motel. Your maternity shirts no longer cover your sagging pregnant belly, and you’re starting to believe that you really will be pregnant for the rest of your life. Either that or you’ll give birth to a kindergartner.
On top of the routine reminders that you’re the only one on earth who is still pregnant, everyone seems to have forgotten how to have a normal conversation with you. You now screen all your phone calls and texts because how many more times can you politely say “I’m fine” before everyone realizes that you’re lying through your teeth and you’re secretly YouTubing “self-conducted C-sections.” And the ungodly amount of sympathy faces you receive in public makes you want to draw the shades and binge watch FRIENDS for the rest of forever.
I feel you, sweet sister. I was 14 days past my due date when my daughter finally decided to grace us with her presence. It was incredibly disappointing to wake up morning after morning with the same baby bump I had when I went to sleep the night before. It was also maddening to watch five babies birthed into this world before mine, who were all due after.
Because I understand the annoyance of answering for the 1 billionth time that “No, I do not know when ‘that baby’ is coming, and yes, I have tried x, y, and z to get the ball rolling,” I won’t annoy you with all the typical cliches. What I will do is pass the virtual ice cream (and TUMS), reassure you that you will definitely not be pregnant forever, and leave you with a list of 10 animal mamas who understand your angst more than anyone.
So settle into your stretchiest pants and revel in the misery of nature’s most pregnant mamas. And then thank Sweet Baby Jesus that He only gave us 9(ish) months of pregnancy.
Zebra: Those adorable striped horse babies put their mamas through 12-13 months of pregnancy. Not too bad, but still, pass!
Camel: Not only do Camel mamas have to deliver a baby camel hump, but they also have to carry said baby for 13-14 months! Yikes!
Sperm Whale: As if their name wasn’t bad enough, these poor giant mamas carry their giant babies for 14-16 months! ::crazyeyeemoji::
Walrus: Apparently it takes 15 months to perfect these grandpa-esque animals.
Giraffe: Our long neck friends are in the same boat as the walrus with a 15 month gestation. Buh.
Black Rhino: Male Black Rhinos tend to live on their own except when they’re cozying up to the ladies. I can’t totally blame him considering the females gestate for 15-17 months. She’s probably not the easiest to live with after that, and who can blame her?
Javan Rhino: Like the Black Rhinos, Javan Rhinos are solitary animals. I’m guessing for the same reason as it takes the female 16-19 months to grow a baby. Yowzahs!
Killer Whale: These poor mamas are pregnant for a whopping 17-18 months!! She better get a killer push present, amiright?
African Elephant: If anyone needs a shot of whiskey after giving birth, it would be the African Elephant. I guess it makes sense that it would take 22 months to grow such a giant baby, but I still feel the need to apologize to those beautiful grey creatures.
Frilled Sharks: And finally the Most Miserable Mom of Eternity goes to . . . the Frilled Shark with a gestational period of 3.5 YEEEEAAAARRRSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Clearly God does not like sharks.
Were you late with any of your pregnancies? Share with us the worst/most humorous advice you received.
10 Days Late with a 10 pounder. “Put castor oil in a soda…if you can keep it down”
Oh castor oil! I hope you were able to skip that torture.