Attachment in Parenting (Not Just Adoptive Parenting)

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For adoptive families, talking about attachment is not unusual.

Adoptive families prepare through books, conferences, speakers, and online trainings for attachment difficulties. They know a child, who has been through the trauma of losing birthparents, will have difficulties to work through. They are also immediately “all in.” If their child is going down, the parents are going down with him or her. They know how to get help from a professional when things spiral.

bonding with children

Room for Regression

And in the everyday moments, they know how to allow children to bond with them. They allow for regression in any way possible, especially if and when it allows them to bond with the child as a parent. The children may refuse to walk and need cradling, he or she may need to co-sleep with mom and dad, or may need a bottle or pacifier at an age that is less than socially acceptable. These precious little souls may refuse to speak or be unable to maintain eye contact because it just feels too intimate. Adoptive parents allow that. The parents have been trained to give their kids room to regress, and it looks a lot like respecting the emotional needs of their sons and daughters.

I am a play therapist, and I am an adoptive mama. I’ve noticed in my line of work that in any style of parenting, this ability to allow our kids to regress is more than beneficial. So often, parents want to be the authority more than they want to be bonded with their child. Sometimes we can leave no room for a compromise, a redo, or time for our kids to process and make wise decisions. 

Bond with Children

Although there is no one-size-fits-all child, I’ve come to the conclusion that nurturing a strong attachment with your child is always helpful. It is the foundation upon which the child/parent relationship is built. It is where trust is born. Whether parents do attachment work as a result of problems that have popped up or proactively work on this dynamic, it is my opinion that it is very worthwhile.

And I happen to think this tends to be ignored in the wider population. So this article is not an argument for any specific parenting style. Whether you tend toward authoritarian, authoritative, or permissive parenting, this information is for you. Build the foundation of trust that so many children who struggle are lacking. Parent with attachment in mind. You can do this easily; it is primarily all about building trust, allowing the relationship to fluctuate and grow in a give-and-take that feels comfortable to all. 

Sometimes when life spins out of control, we tend to grasp for more control/power over circumstances. More often than not, we tighten the reigns and become little dictators over our own kids. This hurts our kids. It hurts our kids’ opinions of mom and dad — and that hurts their future opinions of other humans in their lives. We are certainly where they learn how relationships work!

Bond with ChildrenWalk with Littles Through Big Emotions

Rather than being repulsed by their need to “play baby,” I say we let our sweeties do this thing that is so important to them. Let’s allow them to express this and work it all out. The sooner we embrace who they are and accept them unconditionally in all of their behaviors, the sooner they will figure themselves out as well. This allows for them to do some self-correction so that we are not the ones constantly correcting everything.

I believe that kindly walking alongside our kids through big emotions or traumatic experiences is monumental for their development. What a gift we can give our babies when we: get on their level, look into their eyes, ask which thing they would like to do out of two or three options, allow them to have a “redo” after bad behavior, give them control over some little things (like where they decide to do their homework), play bonding games like peek-a-boo, play board games, and take time to giggle or sing with them.

I hope this attachment-talk-for-all was inspiring to someone. I like to parent with attachment in mind at all times. I wish I did a better job of it, but the fact I see other kids improving in leaps and bounds at work tells me that maybe we adoptive parents are on to something here. Maybe this is something that translates to an everyday need for every child. How would our world change if there were no more kids with insecure, avoidant, or ambivalent attachment styles? What if every child felt secure and trusted their parents entirely?

I want to be “home base” for my kids. I will always work on our parent/child bond. For me, the challenge is accepted.

For more information about attachment and bonding with your child, contact TCU’s Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development. This is the hub of wisdom for attachment, named after the author of The Connected Child.

The Fort Worth Moms Blog hosts 20 Neighbor Groups via Facebook, including the Tarrant County Area Adoptive Moms Neighbor Group. These groups are free to join and offer online and offline opportunities to build relationships and gain resources from other moms in the area.

1 COMMENT

  1. So good, Amber!! You KNOW I appreciate a good attachment article- and this speaks to me in a lot of ways. From my on going need to allow my growing boys to regress from time to time, to the importance of silly play to MY need to allow my Father in heaven to BE my father- not just my Savior and Lord- and what an example that will be for my sons as they continue to learn who they are and who I am to them. Whew! This is good stuff, my friend! Thank you!!

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