For Angel Moms & Their Loved Ones

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time to remember pregnancy and infant loss through (but not limited to) miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or infant death. As an angel mom, every day is a delicate reminder of loss, of what could have been, and of the little angels whom my husband and I lost both through miscarriage and through infant death more than four years ago. Life’s disappointments as well as insensitive comments made by people who choose not to acknowledge your trauma and loss, whether intentional or not, can trigger very raw emotions. Over the years, I  have learned how to better navigate those sensitive moments — yet even still it is very difficult. 

Sometimes the very people who love and care for you can unknowingly quote cliches like — “It’s okay; you will have more children” and “Time will heal” — not knowing what that actually means in practice. When my husband and I lost our daughter, it took four years to conceive our next child, and the passing of time felt devastating. Even while we now have a beautiful 15 month old, I am still reminded that she would have an older sibling had her sister survived. 

Nearly everyone who has experienced pregnancy and infant loss will tell you it is the club that no one ever wants to be in; yet, our collective awareness is necessary for the survival of all the moms and dads who are newly appointed “angel” status every day. That new angel mom or dad needs to know someone else has lost a dream or a hope and survived. When my husband and I lost our daughter, so many other couples disclosed their own experiences of miscarriage and infant loss so that we knew we were not alone. Knowing there was a community of parents who had experienced pregnancy and infant loss and who were not afraid to speak up about their experiences helped me to push through my own grief. If they could survive, so could I.

Angel moms and dads who have encountered pregnancy and infant loss need to be supported and empowered to know that their experiences matter, not shamed and silenced. I was blessed to have a select network of friends who gave me space to talk about my loss. Additionally, finding creative ways to cope with loss beyond the traditional ways of addressing grief such as grief counseling, prayer, and support groups were helpful as well.

We were fortunate to have a photographer who came to the NICU to captured a photographic portrait of our daughter before and after her final moments. I did not understand the impact at the time, but having a picture of her has been a huge tool of processing the ongoing grief. Organizations like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) have photographers throughout the DFW area who provide remembrance photography to support families who have lost a baby angel. When I miss my little angel, I often look at her picture and think about memorable moments I was blessed to share with her, such as holding her and watching my brother-in-law play his guitar to her.

As an artist, making art and bearing witness to art that honors our sweet angel have also meant the world to me. One of my favorite pieces by artist Carly Marie was commission by my sister. I come back to that image often when I want to honor our daughter’s memory. I also created a few of my own photographic pieces in memoriam that helped me to process visually what I felt emotionally. Here are some other ways my family and loved ones honor the angels in our lives — and that you can do too to spread awareness and support for families whose little ones you want to remember:

1. Donate to NILMDTS and download their 31-day calendar, which lists 31 ways you can spread awareness during pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
2. Join the M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring NeoNatal Death) support group on Facebook and/or attend an event in Tarrant County. They have a Garden of Hope on the campus of Calvary Church in Irving where families can reflect, pray, and celebrate the lives of their angels. Its wave of light ceremony in partnership with Team Mercy, A Memory Grows, and Holy Sews is on October 15 (its 22nd Walk to Remember was on Saturday, October 6).
3. Find special keepsakes to remember your baby or to support a loved one who has lost one — like a Molly Bear — or request a care package from No Footprint Too Small.
4. #Saytheirname. One of the greatest ways you can honor and remember the angel babies gone too soon is to say their names and a sweet message that says “thinking of you today.” 
5. Get help. Sometimes remembering can trigger trauma. Seek help from professional therapists, counselors and bereavement specialists, support groups, and/or your local church.
6. Because our angel was also a NICU baby, my sister sewed christening gowns with the organization NICU Helping Hands. The organization gave the gown to us in memorium. You could support the organization by helping to make gowns too.

{The Fort Worth Moms Blog created the Forever Loved, Never Forgotten page to honor the lives of our children who left this world too soon.}

The Fort Worth Moms Blog hosts 20 Neighbor Groups via Facebook, including the Fertility Discussion with Tarrant County Moms. These groups are free to join and offer online and offline opportunities to build relationships and gain resources from other moms in the area.