Momfession Monday :: When Co-Parenting Doesn’t Work {Find Your Game Face for the Kids’ Sake}

My dreams for a perfect family were shattered when I found out that my now ex-husband was having an affair. My kids were young, and more than a year of counseling wasn’t enough to save our marriage. 

Once the kids were old enough that caring for them wasn’t as difficult, their dad changed. He began to resent paying child support and became hostile toward me. This made co-parenting very difficult. He sued for custody and was denied, and afterward it was almost impossible to have a civil discussion with him. He told the kids if they loved him as much as they loved me, they would want to be with him.

This kind of manipulation is so harmful to kids. It’s difficult to know how to do damage control without causing further psychological harm to them. So what’s a mom to do when co-parenting doesn’t work? 

Put On Your Game Face for the Sake of the Kids

You may not like your ex or his behavior, but he is your kids’ dad — and most likely, they love him. Do not talk badly about your ex in front of your children. Save that for girls’ night out or time spent in private with adult members of your family. Don’t keep it bottled in. Seek empathy and advice where you normally would, just not in front of the kids. 

My ex-husband was emotionally and verbally abusive before and after the divorce. He knew exactly how to provoke big emotions in me. For a while I let this beat me down, but eventually, I smartened up to the fact that this is my one life. I have to make the most of it. I can’t spend my time being angry and defensive and scared. 

When talking to the kids, I make sure I remain neutral. If their dad has told them something untrue, I correct their understanding without name-calling and without placing blame. I tell them often that their dad and I both love them and want nothing but the best for them. I let them know that even grown-ups make mistakes, but that their well-being is my top priority. 

Get Help for Yourself and for Your Kids

Seeing a family counselor on your own AND with the kids is so helpful. It’s even more helpful if you all see the same one so he or she understands what you are going through and can help you parent your children without disparaging their dad.

Your own mental health is so important. You can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself, and taking care of little people is literally your job. Seeing a professional can be pricey and is often not covered by insurance. If it’s not an option for you, try joining a support group through a local church or non-profit. Start one if you have to. Read all the books you can get your hands on that help you focus on healing yourself and getting through the tough years of having to share your kids with an uncooperative parent. 

Some books I have loved that have helped me parent and improve my own mental health are: 

• The Power of a Positive Mom by Karol Ladd. This is a fun, upbeat book with tips and ideas for how to remain a positive parent and ensure that your children grow up happy. 
• Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. You can’t go wrong with anything by Brene Brown, in my opinion. Learn to tame the shame and grow strong through vulnerability in this amazing book. 
• Rising Strong by Brene Brown. Learn to grow through failure. Model it well, and you will pass this characteristic on to your kids! 
• Girls with Swords by Lisa Bevere. Lisa Bevere teaches us to fight back using Biblical principals.  
• Single Parenting that Works by Dr. Kevin Leman. This book is also Biblically based while being lighthearted and supportive.

Don’t Poke the Bear

It can be so hard to not get in the last word, but please don’t poke the bear. Power struggles are never a good idea. Never. If you are in a contentious relationship with your ex, consider using a communication platform like Coparently or Our Family Wizard. Not only will you have documentation of all of your communication, but you can submit receipts for reimbursement (like medical bills) and keep a family calendar. 

Do not engage in back-and-forth bickering. Nothing good can come of it. My best advice is to let your ex have the last word. Let it roll off of you, and simply do not respond. He may enjoy getting the last word, but it will probably bug him to no end that he didn’t get to you. If something has to be said that you are worried about saying, go through your attorney. He or she can gauge the best course of action, if one is needed, and can even help you write a message for your ex. 

Using a communication platform like those mentioned above will also keep all of the banter behind closed doors where your kids aren’t privy to it. Limiting conversations to digital exchanges on a website also makes both parties think twice before saying something they might regret. 

Love the Kids

In the end, your relationship with your spouse was necessary and shouldn’t be a source of regret. After all, he gave you the most precious gift in your life: kids. Love the kids.

That’s all either of you has to do. You love your kids as best you can, and let dad do the same. You don’t have to agree with everything he does, and this relationship is temporary. As soon as the kids are 18, you won’t have to worry about it anymore, but don’t wish that time away either. Enjoy your kids, and focus on what makes your family happy.

Take care of you first, mama. It’s important. Establish a support network, and nurture it. Get your head in a good place before making any big decisions or before throwing darts at your ex. Do it for the sake of the kids. 

The Fort Worth Moms Blog hosts dozens of Neighbor Groups via Facebook, including the Tarrant County Single Moms group. These groups are free to join and offer online and offline opportunities to build relationships and gain resources from other moms in the area.