Momfession Monday :: Coping with My Spouse’s Alcoholism

He wasn’t an alcoholic when we met. Or maybe he was, and I just missed it completely.

Looking back, I can see some depression with a smattering of anxiety when we started dating. That he had undiagnosed ADHD is without question, but he seemed to manage okay. His mom was an alcoholic, but I didn’t know that either. In all fairness, I’m not sure even he knew that then.

I wish I had known. I don’t know if it would have changed my mind. I was pretty focused and stubborn. And I really, really loved him. Still do. It’s hard to say if I knew then what I know now, would I have done something differently?

Recovering Alcoholic

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He is considered to have a moderate alcohol dependency. Turns out, lots of people with undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression turn to alcohol for self-medication. Maybe you didn’t know that. I wish I didn’t either.

Maybe you don’t know about 12-step programs, or collecting chips. Your heart may not leap if your spouse isn’t with you and a phone call comes in from an unknown number. Possibly you’ve never worried about leaving your spouse alone with your kids, or alone period. I am sure that most of you do not spend every day wondering if today will be fine, or if he’ll fall off the wagon again. And if he does, what might happen?

There’s no good way to explain what it’s like to live with an alcoholic spouse. My husband is a good man. He loves his family fiercely. He has taken the road less traveled many times in his life and fought tooth and nail to be where he is today. I am so proud of him, and I love him with everything I have. And I worry every day that his addiction might get the best of him. That he may have a weak moment at the wrong time, and everything could fall apart.

Navigating Alcoholism

I think about how we are going to one day explain to our children that they likely carry an inclination towards this disease. I consider it when we discuss when the right time is to put one of our kids on ADHD medicine. Alcoholism and its proximity to my family colors literally everything in our life.

I’m an occasional drinker, although I couldn’t tell you the last occasion I had a drink. We don’t keep booze of any kind in the house. Occasionally, we have guests who will bring their own drinks, and that’s fine; we just encourage them to take any leftovers home. He can be around others drinking without partaking himself, and handles it like a champ. But I never forget about it, and neither does he. It’s the elephant in any room with alcohol. I side-eye every invitation that includes drinks. I cringe whenever anyone suggests wine as a solution to a bad day or a parenting problem. I worry when I see people regularly indulging and participating in the pervasive “mommy wine culture” that is so typical. I know all too well that is how it starts.

I’ve experienced how something harmless and innocent can turn in an instant. I occasionally feel sympathy for the teetotalers of old. I can see how they got there. They probably knew someone, a good person, whose life was ruined by alcoholism. So many people have the propensity for addiction. It’s both nature and nurture. There are so many different factors. And often, you never know if it’s going to turn for you or someone you love. It may not be a thought that’s crossed your mind. Hopefully, it never does.

Emotional Burden

The emotional burden is heavy. I know that I deal with only a fraction of what he handles; I am also battling this disease in a way. No matter the friends, family, or support groups, there are times when I feel utterly alone and isolated. The worry. The not knowing. The fact that this will never truly pass. It weighs on your heart and mind. It becomes part of who you are — as a wife, a mother, a person.

I am sharing this not because I have all the answers. I don’t have any. I’m still in the trenches here. But if someone you love is battling this disease as well, know you’re not alone. Know that others are going through it, living through it, and loving through it. You are not alone. And neither am I.