When in constant pain, or even when the pain comes and goes, our parenting can go into survival mode. Of course, that is the case; pure survival can seemingly be the only achievable goal during dark seasons. I encourage you, momma in pain and sometimes despair, to hang on. You can still find ways to give your kids and yourself the dream life, but keep in mind the following things.
Physical Touch Hurts
Moms, we are smack in the middle of a season of life in which we receive a lot of physical touches. When you’re parenting in constant pain, touch can simply make you wince. Your pain sensors/nerves are most likely going haywire!
Give yourself credit for nurturing your kiddos with physical touch, and then carve out times for you. The shower is sacred for this, in pain or not. Extend these times as a way to both give your kids boundaries and to practice self-care.
Teach the kids the joys of “me time” (a.k.a. they don’t leave their rooms)! You can teach them that it is enjoyable by saving some favorite toys or special snacks/items for these daily times. I’d recommend starting with a shorter amount of time (depending on their ages) and lengthening “me time” as you and the kids are able. As with most things with kids, the pattern of doing it daily and learning how to enjoy it will strengthen with time and repetition.
As an aside, a great time to do this is when they drop a daily nap. Also, if you send your kids to their rooms as a punishment, this isn’t a great idea for you (or maybe you can find another spot for them to enjoy their “me time”).
Open the Doors of Your Home
Let people in. How tempting it is to waste away in pain, desperately saddened by what you and/or your children are missing. Open up your front door and let others walk into your home, even when it’s ugly. Friends and loving family members don’t care about such things; they just want to carry the clean load of laundry upstairs to know that they’ve lifted a tiny burden for you.
I beg you to allow people to come and help. Show them your to-do list and maybe something on there will strike their fancy! If you can get a recharge of an hour or so with dear loved ones watching your little babies, you’ll be such a better mom when that time is up! Also, won’t your kids benefit by that as well? Pride can be a beast, but let yourself be humbled by your chronic pain experience enough to truly be helped.
Talk Frankly to Your Kids
Even with toddlers, let them know what you’re needing from them in developmentally appropriate ways. If they’re screaming with delight and running around the house playing with one another, that may be acceptable to you on a good day. Maybe the inconsistency of it all is hard for you to swallow. However, you should have no qualms about stating your needs clearly to them and for their benefit. Tell them that mommy’s head is really hurting today, and give them a few choices of what they can do to help. You will be shocked at their tenderness and empathy once you begin giving them a heads up on bad days.
Involving your children on your chronic pain journey should be done with care, as you do not want to over burden them. But the kindness and trust you stand to gain in the parent/child relationship cannot be ignored.
Don’t Compare Yourself
It’s common for someone who has gone through something traumatic to make statements about how her own situation isn’t as bad as “xyz.” Yes, of course, it’s good if you’re not terminally ill; that goes without saying. So stop saying it! Comparisons like that don’t need to be made at this time, because they just allow you to deny or belittle the chronic pain emotionally, which sets you back in your current recovery.
I know these days feel dark and difficult, but you were made to conquer this. Resilience is an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. This is you. You’re in the dark right now, but this is only temporary. Press on, and hang in there! This path is currently making you.
We all want to teach our children to be strong and resilient, but it’s difficult when their trials come and we don’t know how. My friend, you’re doing just this. They are watching you, and they may know when you suffer. Your child will become an overcomer because you have unknowingly modeled this.
Glimpses of the awesome woman you were before this pain will fill you with hope. Then suddenly — you’ll be yourself again one day. Except not really. You’ll be improved because you’ll have deep empathy for the suffering of others that you didn’t know before. And you’ll have resounding confidence you can handle the storms that life brings. You’ll even know without a shadow of a doubt who your true people are: The ones who held you up when you couldn’t do life anymore. They couldn’t solve the problem of chronic pain in your life, but they were simply around. There. Available.
Overcomer, Fight!
I want desperately to close this article with something nice, to tie it up with a pretty bow. But pain is ugly, and there’s no hiding that. Sometimes the uninvited guest of chronic pain remains for a lifetime. In an attempt to honor those parenting in the midst of pain, I’m simply saying goodbye to you with this: Fight through this, and hang in there because you’re going to feel better one day (even if not physically). You are not alone.
