Words have power. When children hear something, they often believe it without questioning the merit of what’s being said.
I’ve noticed over my brief years as a parent that sometimes during small talk, friends and strangers alike will compliment my children (just as I compliment other people’s kiddos).
My Response
Although compliments are obviously a great way to help encourage my kids and to build up them up, I find myself internally wrestling with how to respond appropriately to such compliments.
Part of me wants to downplay compliments to appear humble or because I don’t want the person giving the compliment to feel bad about her own child. Sometimes I want to minimize compliments because I want people to know how hard I have it too — no one has perfect kids. I’m not even sure what it is fully, but it just feels weird sometimes to to embrace a compliment.
So many times I find myself mindlessly blurt out something negative about my beloved child to counter the compliment just received. Someone says, “Your daughter is so well behaved.” My reply: “You didn’t see her terrible attitude 15 minutes ago!” Or someone might say, “Your children get along so well.” And I might be tempted to say something sarcastic like, “Yeah, that’s why I feel like an official for the WWE sometimes.”
They’re Listening
Of course I could argue that I’m just being transparent because my replies are almost always true, but at some point, I started to question if my honest negativity was robbing me of opportunities encourage my kids and to even build their trust in me.
Our kids are listening. Even when they are whining or playing with toys or looking away, they can hear what we say to others. (Unless we say something about them cleaning their room, of course.) Do we want our kids overhearing us talking bad about them or making a joke out of them? Of course not! But I’ve found myself guilty of this many times.
If we really think about it, when someone says something positive about our children in front of them, it’s like being part of a basketball play where one player on our team has gotten the ball near the basket and then passes it to us. We can take that compliment and “dunk” it and score with a big deposit into our kid’s feeling-loved bank. Or we can just throw the ball away and waste the opportunity.
Change the Script
Years ago, I decided I was going to have a loose script of replies that I can use when people give my kids compliments. Some responses I use a lot, but saying the same thing about my children over and over only helps them believe what I’m saying even more.
Of course, you’ll want to say things that are authentic to your child and how you talk, but here are some of the compliments I occasionally hear and the responses I have ready in my encouragement arsenal. (Be warned, though, some of my responses are more about speaking into the potential my children have than necessarily how they may be acting overall.)
- “Your kids are so well behaved.” Me: “I’m so proud of the way they’re trying hard to do the right thing.”
- “Your kids get along so well.” Me: “I’m so proud of how much they love each other.”
- “Your child is so smart!” Me: “I’m so thankful for the mind God has given her and proud of her hard work.”
- “Your daughter is so beautiful.” Me: “She is beautiful! Isn’t it incredible how God made everyone so beautiful in her own way?!”
- “Your child is so good at ____.” Me: “Thank you. Yes, she is!”
- “Your kid is a great listener.” Me: “I’m so proud of how she tries hard to listen and respect me.”
Accepting Compliments About Myself
And then I’ve noticed the need for being prepared about how I handle compliments people give me in front of my children — because they will probably feel about themselves however I feel about myself.
- “Have you lost weight?!” Me: “I think I have lost some. As long as I’m healthy, I’m happy!”
- “I love your outfit!” Me: “Thank you! I really like it.”
- “Did you color your hair? It looks great!” Me: “Thank you! I love my natural hair color, but sometimes it’s fun doing something different.”
- “I wish I had your ___.” Me: “I’m so grateful for what I have, but everything has good stuff about it!”
- “You’re lucky. You have a great husband.” Me: “Thank you. I am so grateful for him.”
These responses seem so simple, but I used to not be able to easily think of these simple positive replies on the spot. I’m still working on making compliment slam-dunks for my kids, but the good news is that even on off days I can never go wrong with the classic, “thank you.”
