Remember getting the dozens of articles intuitively stuffed into your inbox the minute you announced you’re pregnant? If you’re overly optimistic like me, you probably also tossed any well-meaning advice into the bin; certain your instincts and intuition, and/or a voice from heaven, would kick in at a moment’s notice.
Well, that worked for my firstborn who, though he loves a good cuddle on his terms, has never had any problem leaving me behind while shouting bye without a single glance back. Certainly I was destined for first place among Super Moms. I didn’t bother thinking or even worrying about any difficulties I couldn’t handle with my second child.
As we staggered out of the hazy newborn stage, my daughter still wanted me and only me all the day long. Nobody else could hold her, comfort her, talk to her, look at her, breathe near her. Not even my husband could smile at her, lest she immediately burst into heart-wrenching sobs and scream with the vigor of a thousand banshees. I couldn’t set her down; she was my Velcro baby. My days and nights both plodded and blurred by in sheer exhaustion, balancing the ever-widening chasm of needs of a baby and a two year old.
Everyone told me this was just a phase — a mantra I soon came to mutter to myself when the wailing reached a frantic peak, but months soon began to pass. She cried non-stop when I wasn’t with her and refused to eat without me. I learned to go to the bathroom with her on my lap (with my toddler at my feet and my 90-pound dog at my elbow). Even when my husband was home, I couldn’t escape for a moment alone without hearing her sob (and my son banging on the door).
As an introvert, my soul refuels with alone time. Being near someone (but not too near) is my sweet spot. I thrive and revive in quiet and with independence.
My tank soon began to deplete, and I knew I needed to act quickly. These are a few strategies I found to help keep me afloat:
Begin Your Day on the Right Foot
I started cultivating a habit of waking up before my kids to work out outside the home, or stretch and meditate on my yoga mat at home. These first moments of the day to myself to prepare my mind, body, and soul for the day ahead — however chaotic it may end up being — are often the only moments of the day I have to myself and so, even as a night owl, I’ve come to cherish an earlier wake-up time.
Carve Out Time for Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act. You need fuel to pour into others, especially young children who require so much capacity; if you’re running on empty, you have nothing to give. Self-care looks different to everybody, and it may change too. One small way I implement self-care is by budgeting for monthly massages. That one hour of silence, of kneading and smoothing away my knots, leaves me rejuvenated and ready to take on the day.
Implement Quiet Time
A few months ago, I designated my daughter’s morning nap as quiet time for my son and me. We turn on soft music, pile comfy blankets on the couch, and curl up with each other — me with a book, him likely with a truck or two. It took a few weeks of practicing, but he knows the drill now. He lets me read while he plays or reads quietly. Now and then, he’ll putter around by himself in his room for 30-45 minutes. Not only do I get a mental break, but my son has also learned the value of quiet, independent play (and not having to constantly shield your toys from your baby sister).
Seek Counsel from People Who Have Been There
By surrounding yourself with supportive friends who have been in your shoes, however recently or long ago, you can look at your situation through a different lens. While they may not be able to take away your exhaustion, they can certainly empathize, commiserate, and drop off coffee. Having a different perspective may bring a sense of refreshment — though the days may be long, the years are, indeed, short — however much you may want to punch the next person who says that to you.
Establish a Night Routine
The precious few hours after bedtime are, understandably, my most productive. There are no helping hands stretching my tasks twice as long or interruptions. But those few hours shouldn’t be completely filled with work and household tasks. My husband and I now take just 30 minutes to finish any chores left — start the dishwasher, tidy up the playroom — for a clean start and leave the rest for the next day. We then take an hour to recharge independently. For him, it’s a video game; for me, it’s a long shower and a book. Then we come back together to reconnect before bed. Having a night routine helps us be more productive with our work and household tasks during the day because we are more mindful of protecting our recharging time, apart and together.
As an introvert, parenthood — let alone separation anxiety — can be a trigger for mental and emotional overwhelm and exhaustion. These small shifts and strategies have made a big difference in my ability to parent well, along with my ability to be present and connect with my kids.
My daughter is now 11 months old and she plays with her brother and even approaches other people she’s familiar with on her own accord. While I feel like I’m witnessing little miracles with each step of confidence she takes in being apart from me, I’ll admit, I’m definitely not holding my breath for quiet, solo trips to bathroom anytime soon.
