This post is part of an editorial series, “Healthy Mama,” brought to you by the Fort Worth Moms Blog and Texas Health Care Privia Medical Group North Texas, which includes Dr. Elisabeth Wagner, Dr. Mickey Hooper, Dr. Bea Kutzler, Dr. Doug Decker, Dr. Jamie Erwin, Dr. Kathleen Cammack, Dr. Emily Maas, Dr. Jennifer McLeland, Dr. Lindsay Breedlove, Dr. Martha Guerra, Dr. Danielle Burkett, Dr. Robert Zwernemann, Dr. Jay Herd, Dr. Ingrid Kohlmorgen, and Dr. Martin Read. We hope these pieces provide you with helpful information, encouragement, and answers as you make decisions for your own health.
We tend to hold our children a little tighter than most. On the other hand, we can also let things go that tend to cause large amounts of stress for others. (Thank you, perspective.) We sometimes feel like we are the only ones facing these hurdles; yet at the same time, it is primarily our children who have to go through difficult circumstances. We would take it all away from them in a heartbeat to battle it ourselves if we could.
We are medical mamas.
Self Care: A Support System that Gets It
I bet you have figured out who your truest friends are. It is in the challenging seasons of life that we figure this out, and you’ve probably had lots of difficult medical situations since becoming a mommy. These tender moments you yearned for before motherhood now have the added element of health impairment; the sweetest embraces may include tubes and wires and medications. It is shocking and scary, and it has probably taken its toll.
For that reason, you have to let people go. If they’re not FOR you, to be frank, they’re kind of AGAINST you at this point. We simply don’t have time for fake relationships, and if what we face is too much for people (and it genuinely is for some), we have to let those people go. It isn’t too much for us; it cannot be. Medical mamas, you need kind, strong, open, helpful people in your life to hold you up and to speak hope over you when situations are pinning you down.
You also could use connections with parents of children with your child’s exact condition. It is magic — meeting someone who has been exactly there and done exactly that. If you cannot dig up these people locally to pester and get to know, find them on the internet. Don’t succumb to fear-mongering online, but do find an online mentor or respected few people you can trust and connect with. Your favorite friends and family want to empathize with you desperately, but these people instantly, already do. Allow for these natural connections to empower you and fill you with hope and truth. It helps to have other fully invested mom brains filter all the medical jargon alongside you, especially when there are many wise women years ahead of you in the diagnosis.
Getting Educated on the Condition: A Double-Edged Sword
It can be very easy to get lost in the worlds spun by our children’s doctors and other medical professionals. There is so much to consider that our brains haven’t processed or studied in the ways the doctors have. We have the glorious freedom of choosing who to use for care for our kids, but in the researching, we can get very confused. Rabbit trail after rabbit trail can lead us nowhere.
It is good to check in with yourself and notice your body as you do this kind of medical research for your kids. I ask myself: Am I open, curious, and gathering valuable information? Am I relaxed as I’m doing this? Or am I stressed, panicky, and not retaining much, even through effort? If it is the latter, I need to take a break (because let’s face it — I’m never going to be satisfied in that state anyway).
Getting educated is invaluable, but getting frantic isn’t. Let’s not waste our time allowing anxiety to skyrocket as we help propel it forward. Medical moms, you already have enough natural, to-be-expected stress over your situations and certainly don’t need to create more. Do your research when you’re in the right frame of mind: curious, wanting more information, and calm. Only when you are in a calm state of mind can you learn anything valuable anyway. I urge you to research using credible sources, but research wisely and with restraint.
Trust Your Gut: Pushing for Your Child’s Care
You have God-given instincts that can lead you and your child to the very best medical care. When you question something, please simply say so. There is nothing at all wrong with asking.
Keeping quiet out of a desire not to offend someone is detrimental to your child. It’s also disingenuous. Get in there and share any concerns. You could save your child’s life with an observation that others miss.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you could also make the mistake of staying quiet and create a massive quality-of-life issue for your kiddo. Trust your gut! Push for his or her care, no matter how pushy it makes you feel. You’ll do it with kindness and grace, of course! However, Mama Bear doesn’t play! And that’s the way it should be. You — exactly YOU — are meant to navigate this for and with your specific child. Trust your gut.
Try Triage
Sometimes several needs are going on at once — multiple medical needs to follow, trauma, emotional or relational issues, development, etc. For this kind of scenario, we’ve learned to fall back on a triage system pretty naturally. And I recommend it!
I think probably if you’re a medical mama, you already are doing this without realizing it. So take a minute to breathe . . . and to acknowledge this strength of yours. You are taking care of the most emergent thing first, and you’re placing lesser needs on the back burner. You’re an awesome and strong mom because doing that takes skill. Those lesser needs will get their chance in the limelight at some point soon, but you’ve created such a smart way to do it.
It’s overwhelming to think of addressing every single thing at once, so allow yourself to analyze what is most important to address right now. Take it bit by bit. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Give Grace
Most of all, give yourself, your child, friends, family, and all the medical professionals so much grace. This is not for the weak. The fire you are walking your child through is making him or her spectacular — a force to be reckoned with, who will touch so many lives. All because of the “gift” of this medical condition.
Practice gratitude. Consider the good that is coming from this trying time, as your beautiful child touches deeply the lives of others. What a gift to the world around you all.
