On the Sidelines of Infertility


It started with a onesie. I was helping you, my sister, clean up your apartment, and I noticed a baby’s onesie. I’m sure many people would wonder, so what?

This is an odd occurrence considering you do not have any children. So, when I asked why you had it, you said you had read a blog from someone who was struggling with infertility, and she became a mother after buying a onesie. To me, this didn’t make sense, but to you and your husband, a couple who has tried conceiving a baby for many years to no avail, this was something hopeful to try.

I nodded in understanding because I could see you didn’t want to talk about it, so we talked about anything else. Was this the best decision I made when I decided to change the subject? No. Now I know what I should have done.

As a big sister, my job is to take care of you and make sure to beat up anyone who would try to hurt you. But this is a different type of hurt that I can’t fix.

I see the way your heart breaks every time you take a pregnancy test and it’s negative. The way you fold into yourself as you begin the blame game. The sadness and want on your face when you hold other people’s babies. I see the grief you are filled with when people ask, “How long you have been married? Well, why don’t you have kids then?” Or, “Maybe there is something wrong with your body or his body.” I see the myriad of emotions you go through when people ask these obnoxious questions.

I know your puffy and tear-streaked face breakdowns on your way home means you thought of that little person that isn’t in your arms right now.

negative pregnancy test

We watched in anticipation as your husband gave you your first Follistim AQ 300IU and Ovidrel shots to help with ovulation. Watching you week after week, hope with all your heart that maybe this shot would work, or that something would feel different. Only to be told nothing has changed. Your husband and you made the decision to save up to start possible IVF, which I had no clue was extremely expensive. You looked defeated as you left that day.

After our talk, all I thought about was the journey that you are on will not be an easy trek. But you’ve got this, and I have faith in you because I have seen what you can accomplish. You will want to give up and just say it’s not meant to be, but the best things in life are worth waiting for.

Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope; that sign on that stick does not define you.

Though many do not talk about infertility, remember that you are not the only one on this expedition. There are many women who share in this, too. Seek them out and find a connection through this time. You are a strong woman, and I know this emotional rollercoaster is unfair, but you will rise to the challenge. One day you will tell your story of how you conquered what you went through and be an inspiration to that mama struggling with infertility.

But for now, know that when things feel like they get too hard and you feel like you can’t stand any more, know that your big sister is here to help you walk. I am here to support you come what may. Whatever you need, I am here.



  1. She is incredibly lucky to have a sister like you. This was beautiful and I cried the entire time I read it. I’m on a similar journey and my big sister is doing the same as you. She has been such a support and helps me when I ugly cry and it means everything to me. Just know, you might not always know what to say, but your sister appreciates your love and support even when she doesn’t know how to show it ❤️

    • Thank you for the kind words, it is hard to see my sister dealing with this rough journey. But I am glad to know that you have your sister to be there to love and show support.


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