Last night, my three-year-old daughter fell asleep on my lap while we watched a movie. Cradling her in my arms just like when she was an infant, I felt extreme nostalgia and longing for her to be a little baby again, latched and suckling for milk. The moments we shared when I breastfed her were quiet, special, and irreplaceable.
I looked down and admired her long eyelashes pressed against her upper cheeks in deep sleep. My eyes shifted to my growing belly, which carries my daughter’s soon-to-be-born brother. Knowing how nursing positively affected the relationship between my daughter and me makes me eager to nurse my son.
When I was a first-time mother, I had no idea all that breastfeeding entailed despite online resources and advice from family and friends. All I knew was I wanted to try my best to provide milk for my baby, and if I couldn’t I figured I’d just use formula. Fortunately I was able to produce enough milk and my daughter took to nursing like a fish to water. Despite loathing pumping (does anyone really enjoy it?!), I was proud to be my daughter’s source of food.
Nutrition aside, nursing was ultimately a time for us to bond. I would slip away during parties and public gatherings to nurse her — not out of shame or for more privacy, but because nursing was an excellent time to quiet the mind, slow down, and appreciate motherhood. Babies grow into energetic toddlers too fast, and chores and to-do lists will never go away. Breastfeeding was my built-in pause button that forced me to sit down and spend quality time with my child.
I’ve talked to several mothers who did not have the same experience or feelings toward breastfeeding. Either they were unable to breastfeed, did not enjoy it, or it did not fit into their lifestyle. All of these moms are wonderful mothers, and I have no doubt each had her own way of bonding with her babies. But for me, I looked forward to pressing that little body against my own and rocking her into a milk-induced sleep.
I hope I’ll be able to breastfeed my son like I did with my daughter. Something tells me life is going to get a bit more chaotic raising a toddler and a newborn while keeping up with our small ranchette out near Weatherford, Texas. I have a new slipcover for my Boppy pillow, a new breast pump, and I ordered a few nursing tanks and dresses in preparation for the next year or so.
If you’re a new mother, I encourage you to find your own alone time with baby. Maybe it’s while you breastfeed. It might be setting aside 20 minutes every night to read a book or two to your little one (no matter how young he or she is). Either way, don’t apologize for slipping away. Not only do you deserve some solitude, but before you know it, your infant will soon be a three-year-old asleep on your chest.
