Kids Say the Funniest Things


Kids say the funniest things. Whether they repeat things they’ve heard us say in our far-from-best moments or come up with it on their own. Embarrassing? Usually. Inappropriate? Sometimes. We polled our friends, neighbors, and readers to curate this list of humorous sayings by the littles in our lives. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent.

Girls laugh
Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

Context Is Queen

Taken out of context, some things our kids say are shocking or hilarious — or both. Why does it seem so many of these have to do with alcohol?

  • Kid (in loudest outside voice possible): “HEY MOM! Are you taking us to happy hour again today?” Me (matching his volume level): “YOU MEAN AT SONIC? Yes! From 2:00–4:00 p.m. for half-price floats.”
  • My five-year-old son had rubber bouncy balls with him in the car. He knew we were about to drive over a bumpy area in the road, so he said, “Slow down, Mom. I need to grab my balls.”
  • One of my friend’s daughters (four at the time) was having cheese and crackers as a snack at daycare. She casually and innocently asked the teacher “Are we going to have wine with snack?!” My friend always has cheese and crackers with her wine and didn’t know whether to be mortified or to die laughing! ?
  • I got pulled over, and my daughter said “My mommy can’t go to jail. They don’t serve pinot grigio!”

Leaps of Logic

Sometimes we wish we could just climb inside our kids’ heads and follow the wild journey their sense of logic takes from point A to point B.

  • One day my son came into the kitchen and grabbed the orange juice and began to pour it in a bowl. He then proceeded to place some batteries in there. I stopped him and asked what he was doing. He replied, “Dad said the batteries are out of juice.” LOL ?
  • At church, they served communion and I told my daughter the juice represents Jesus’ blood. She said, “That’s nasty. So we are drinking Jesus’ blood. So are we, like, vampires?!”
  • Kid: “What does the baby do in your tummy?” Pregnant mom: “Sleeps, eats, moves around.” Kid (gets a toy): “Here, Mom, swallow this so the baby isn’t so bored in there.”
  • Not said to me, but my middle said this to his friend in front of his friend’s mom: “So, is this your stepmom?” No idea where he even had heard about stepmoms. I wanted to die.
  • Son: “Daddy, can I have a dead sheep?” Husband: “Uh, what? Why do you want a dead sheep?” Son: “So I can practice taking care of it until I get it right so that I can get a live one.”
  • My three year old, looking at old vacation photos from before she was born, pointed to one of me and said “I’m in Mommy’s belly!” I replied, “Yes, that’s right. Mommy was pregnant with you in this picture.” She then pointed to another photo of my husband on that same vacation and said, “And sister is in Daddy’s belly!” No, sweetie, it doesn’t work that way. On so many levels.

What the What?

Nothing can be said about these. Except, perhaps, don’t worry. The odds you’re raising a psychopath are statistically slim. Probably.

  • So one day while we were out shopping, my son decided he wanted my husband and I to kiss. He pushed our faces together and thought it was hilarious for us to kiss. He kept doing this over and over. Eventually, he said, “oh baby” while doing this. I about melted from embarrassment, as there were people nearby. He had never said that phrase before and has never said it since.
  • My three year old rolled two snakes out of modeling clay, joined them together, and said, “Look, Mommy, a cross! Now Daddy can die on it.” ?

Just Cute

Kids say the funniest things. But, most of the time, what our kiddos say is just stinkin’ sweet.

  • My three year old to her father: “You’re fired!”
  • “Mom, I’m PUNCTURED! Can I please have a drink?” My four year old meant “parched.”
  • My daughter always gets “elevator” and “alligator” mixed up. It’s too funny when we visit Daddy at his office, and she asks to go on the alligator.
  • “Mommy, your earrings are not very pretty to me.”
  • “The street is bouncing my face.”
  • Kid (touching my leg): “Mama, you have spikes?” Me: “. . . Yep.” Kid: “Oh, okay.”
  • My daughter’s first public toilet experience went well — except I forgot about the automatic flush. When it flushed, she basically jumped on the toilet, kicked it, and said “bad potty.” I now carry painter’s tape to block the sensor on the toilets.
  • I came out from the bedroom wearing a dress for church and announcing I was ready. My son said, “Mama, you are not ready. You are not wearing pants!”
  • “Mom, my teacher cussed today at school! She said ‘shut up.'” Bless your heart.
  • During one drive home, my twin boys argued about who was happiest. It ended in tears.

What’s the funniest, most embarrassing, or most out-of-context thing said by your kiddo?


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