What do You do When He Doesn't Want Another?

I love my husband with all my heart.  We have been married for over 12 years and like any other couple, we have had our ups and downs.  He’s my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine living life without him.  He is a great Daddy to Connor.

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The thing is, my clock is a ticking.  Like many other woman I feel my ovaries swelling for babies.  Lets face it I’m no longer a spring chicken!  When I look at old photos of Connor I remember those days fondly, and it instantly gives me the fever for another.  He is such a good kid, and was a good baby too.  He slept through the night in his crib from the start, he was rarely sick, he’s just an all-around good kid and the light of our lives.  It took us a long while to get pregnant with Connor (8 ½ years of marriage & a few more years of actually trying).  I’m so thankful for those 8 years we had with just the two of us.  God has the perfect timing for everything in life.  So, when we finally got pregnant with Connor in 2009 I knew that was God’s timing.

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There are SO many women in the world struggling with infertility, sometimes I think I’m selfish and should be content with one baby.  On the other hand I feel like I have room in my heart for another child…but my husband isn’t ready.  He’s a strategic planner, a spreadsheeter, and we are both pretty selfish with our time.  We worry over how much time we’ll have with another child when we only see Connor part of the day anyway.  Will we be able to provide the best life possible for TWO kids?  Do we have enough money saved up?  Are we where we wanted to be in life?  So many questions it just wears on me.  I know I’m probably over thinking this whole scenario to some of you…but it’s actually something that we struggle with.  It’s something that is on my heart daily, and I hear the clock going “tick” “tick” “tick”. Is there a “Wow!” moment when you just know it’s time?  Every time I bring up the subject of another child we both just push the topic aside for someday.  What if we wait too long?

What if 10 years from now it’s too late and I am resentful because we don’t have another, and I never have  peace of mind about it?

People say it’s selfish to just have one child.  Is it really?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice on this issue.  How did you discuss the topic with your spouse? And NO, I don’t believe in just having an oops! I want my hubby to be totally involved and WANT this as much as I do.  So, before you say just go for it and see what happens, I can’t wholeheartedly do that without him not being 100% with me on this. I think that leads to being resentful in a relationship.  Of course a baby is such a blessing, but it’s so much easier when you’re both in the same frame of mind.

So thoughts?  Prayers?  I’d love to hear what you have to say for these two parents of one sweet little boy 🙂

5 COMMENTS

  1. My hubby was ALWAYS ready for kids before I was. He was ready for our first, 2 years into our marriage and I made him wait another 3 years. We got pregnant with our second, just after our first’s 1st birthday. So, as soon as our daughter turned a year, he has been gunning for the 3rd. I TOTALLY agree with you, Becky that it is best that everyone be on board. Thank goodness I am more “in control” of this situation though, b/c I think should the roles be reveresed my hubby would have tried the “oops!” method HAHAHA.

    On a serious note, having the second, in my opinion, takes a lot more thought than the first and is a harder decision. Now thinking about our 3rd is an even TOUGHER decision. So, sometimes you just have to jump in even with all your hesitancies (since you know a bit more of what you are in for the second time around, it is harder). I have to say one of the BIGGEST joys I have as a mother is watching my children together and I love that I have given them the gift of each other. Funny, because I had a TON of guilt and worry when I got pregnant with my 2nd but that subsides quickly.

    • Thank you so much Emily. You are so sweet…and I know when the right time comes things will all work out. In the mean time I just continue to pray and be thankful for what I DO have 🙂

  2. I figured you would want a second at some point. 😉 I would tell you both to just go for it and things WILL work out just fine. I don’t think there is ever a “perfect” time for a baby. If you wait for the right time it’ll never happen. But you definitely want your husband to be on the same page. I don’t think an “oops” is the way to go either. Praying for your situation!

    – Karen

  3. Have you asked your Hubby if there is more to him not being ready? I have not personally experienced infertility, but I have heard stories from others.

    I have heard of husbands who are “not ready” because they feel insecure, or have an issue in their marriage that isn’t obvious to the wife. Some may feel that they are not enough for their wife unless they agree to another child, or they feel like they are only useful to help make a baby because another child is such a strong focus for the wife. Is he concerned about being able to provide for a bigger family? Does he want to protect the time he has with you now? Maybe he isn’t ready to handle the emotion of trying to conceive again. It could be many things.

    I am not at all saying there is a problem in your marriage. These are comments I’ve heard from others in your situation. Maybe your Hubby just has a concern that he has not voiced to you that causes him to feel “unready.”

    I suggest a date night (Yay!) where you could candidly discuss his concerns (and yours) to see if you can reach a resolution. It may be as simple as talking the details/concerns out! Good luck!

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