This editorial series, S-E-X, is brought to you by the Fort Worth Moms Blog and Andrea Palmer, MD FACOG with Fenom Women’s Care. All 15 original articles from the S-E-X series can be found on our website.
Oh heeeeeey girl. You, with a few babies toddling around your feet. I know you’re probably thinking this is another one of those articles promising to revive your ailing sex life. You know — the sex life you may have labeled “do not resuscitate.” You know you’ve thought about slapping a permanent out-of-order sign on your bits and settling in for a long nap. Sounds delicious.
And while this IS one of those articles in some sense, I am not here to offer you suggestions about racy lingerie or naughty movies. I’m not planning to offer a crash course in sexting for the married demographic. I haven’t ranked sex toys based on user-friendliness in an easy-to-read format. I’m not even going to suggest a few glasses of liquid courage. Date night? I know you know. Getting it on while the kids sleep? You’ve thought about it.
Don’t get me wrong — I firmly believe every thriving relationship requires a sexual component. But entering into parenthood can absolutely bulldoze your marriage. I’m talking tear. it. up. Temporarily, of course. Transitioning from husband and wife to mom and dad was the most challenging time in our marriage — like, shockingly hard. I remember lying in bed, our beautiful baby sleeping between us, and feeling an unexpected sense of loss for our pre-baby relationship. I missed my husband deeply. I missed being the center of his world and him being the center of mine. I was close enough to reach out and touch him but felt overwhelmed by this strange divide between us.
As our responsibilities grew exponentially, we found less time to devote to one another in many ways — rather than texting our undying love to one another, we began sending grocery lists back and forth. We slept in shifts, eliminating the opportunity for hanging out with Netflix and a glass of wine. Our connectedness suffered both in and out of the bedroom.
What I am going to offer is the permission to stop fretting about your sex life. You can lay those worries aside with one simple move: Talk about it. Rub your bleary eyes because you heard me correctly. Couples talk about all sorts of important issues, but chatting about doing the do still feels a bit taboo. And I get it — totally awkward.
But talking about your individual needs may help you align yourselves to be better satisfied — not to mention clear up assumptions and misconceptions that may be festering.
Do you feel okay with the current status of our sex life? I know I spent weeks grooming the growing guilt that I was somehow depriving my husband of sex. But after a hormone-fueled teary discussion, I learned he was in no rush to hit the sheets. His main concern was my feelings of readiness. All the phone calls to my doctor and the furtive order of a healthy dose of Astroglide from Amazon was in vain. He was cool with my need to wait, which set my mind at ease. And truthfully, the only thing that matters is that the two of you are comfortable with the status of your sex life
My body feels like an imposter took over; do you still find me sexy? Y’all, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. Let’s face it — nothing is the same after childbirth. Your body is all sorts of foreign in all sorts of ways. Hips expand, boobs leak, and various parts have relocated of their own volition. It’s difficult to imagine a time the biggest responsibility your boobs bore was to delight your partner when they’re currently serving as your baby’s main course. Be patient with yourself. As women, we are unabashedly our harshest critics. I’m going to guess your husband finds you as alluring as he ever did — especially when the girls start, ahem, blossoming. Started at an A cup, and now I’m here? I’ll take it.
How often is enough for you? Once a week? Once a quarter? The only answer to this question that matters even a little bit is the one you two provide. Whether you’re a consistent thrice weekly duo or you subscribe to the once-a-month maintenance plan, if it’s working for you, you’re doing it perfectly. Pardon the pun. Other opinions need not be considered. Who cares if Sally down the street wakes her husband up three times a night? You do you. And let Sally do . . . well, you know.
What can I do to put you in the mood outside of sheets? Or, let me tell you what sparks desire in my loins. Do you feel most appreciated, most loved, when I cook dinner? Send you sext messages all day long? If nothing makes you hotter then a spouse mopping the floor without being asked, then speak up, sister!
What do you love about our sex life, and (gulp) what could we improve? The good, the bad, and the ugly. I anticipate this question to be the most cringe-worthy, but the answer is worth the uncontrollable blushing and twitches of discomfort.
When is a good time for me to pencil you in for a roll in the hay? Scheduling relations feels weird to me, so I’m not going to try to sell you on that strategy. Asking your man when he feels most interested in the act? Great idea. You may discover he’s not expecting that post-kids’-bedtime romp like you think he is. Hey — if my husband comes anywhere near me between the hours of 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m., he knows the risks of that brave advance.
You may find long evening make-out sessions aren’t going to work when the toddler’s bedtime routine takes 87 minutes. Sunday afternoons, anyone?
Are you cool with speeding this up? Quickly is the the new languorously. Sex is about intimacy, about connection. At this stage in your life, give yourselves permission to enjoy that connection hurriedly. There may be no time for hours of love-making in this season of your life, and that is just fine. Even a brief, albeit satisfying encounter, can release those endorphins. And in my experience, the more you do it, the more you WANT to do it. Moral of the story? Don’t underestimate the good, old-fashioned quickie.
Hopefully, by the time you finish perusing this article you’ll be ready to head to the bedroom, and if your plans include a nap when you get there, you’re all right by me.
