As a mom, I have learned that friends tend to come and go. For some, this is not the case. They have “found their tribe.” I have met people who have had the same best friend since before they had children, and that is so awesome.
However, this is not everyone’s experience.
Making Friends
When I first became a mom, I had no mom friends. I had moved to Texas only a year earlier, and I only had kept in contact with one childhood friend. I had coworkers who I would hang out with outside of work.
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But then I chose to be a stay-at-home mom, and those friendships quickly vanished. When I finally had my baby and the sleep deprivation was no more, our life became quite lonely when my husband left for work each day.
I joined many local Facebook groups. I started getting out the house to meet with other moms in similar seasons of life. I joined a Moms of Preschoolers group (MOPS) where I thought I had an entire tribe behind me. As my son got older, we started joining playdates. We had so many friends, but still it felt so lonely often.
I began to notice that the effort put into maintaining friendships was too much. It was exhausting. I was changing my schedule to meet the needs of others, only for our plans to be cancelled. I would become the only one to call or text. And eventually I would give up.
When you are a mom, friends come and go. Many times, you may not even know why. With each new child I had, I watched as my friends changed. The places we visited changed to places I could watch multiple children with ease. Our schedules changed as new baby was not on the same pattern as my toddler and his big kid friends. Our schedules didn’t line up with others anymore.
Some stages of motherhood challenged my ability to get of the house without children, while other moms seemed to come and go effortlessly. Our times for mom nights out didn’t align for months. Often, I felt like we were just forgotten. With every new baby, I made new friends and lost touch with others.
After reaching out to a family I cared for deeply, I was told that we no longer needed to be friends because of my new friends. The pain in losing close friends can feel like grieving the loss of a loved one. In many ways the stages are the same.
That One Friend
However, I do have one friend who has been there since our oldest children were only a few months old. They are turning five this year. When I sat down to write this article, I asked her what she felt has helped our friendship stay intact. Her response was:
- Neither of us takes it personally when we don’t see each other for a while, but we both still make the effort to try and stay in contact.
- There are no feelings of guilt (or anger) if we forget to respond to a text for a few days or haven’t spoken in weeks. We are just happy to see each other when we finally can make our schedules work.
- There is equal effort and desire to stay friends.
- Even though we met because of our kids, we both want to spend time with each other outside of playdates. It doesn’t feel like it is a friendship of convenience.
I am so thankful for that mom who made the effort. That friend who has walked through motherhood with me. And the ones who continue to give the same energy I give to stay in contact.
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Life happens, kids get sick, we become sleep deprived and we are always meeting new people. While a friendship should not take hard work to uphold, it does take effort to keep it alive.
So, the next time you see your long-term mom friends, the ones that are there for the long haul, be sure to let them know just how much they mean to you.
