When I first became a mom, I had little clue as to all the sacrifices and challenges that were awaiting me. But I was also unprepared for the beautiful parts of motherhood.
For one, you have a built-in excuse for basically . . . anything. Here’s the short list of what you can get away with, and a “mom-scuse” or two for the occasion.
1. Forgetting a Super Important Thing
Thankfully you have a lot of options here. If you’re pregnant, you can automatically default to “pregnancy brain.” I’m talking nine-months-full forgetting credit here! Is pregnancy brain real? Probably, but even if it isn’t, the mom union will never admit it. If you’ve recently had a baby, you’re also covered for up to two years depending on how tired you look and how easily you can make yourself cry.
Terrible twos are no joke, so most anyone with half a heart will also understand you forgetting something if you have a two year old. Of course, if you’re potty training a child, you can always blame this. I especially love the potty-training mom-scuse because no one really knows when you’re potty training or how long it takes. I’ve easily used this one for eight to 10 months for each of my children.
As your kids age, it becomes harder to blame them for your forgetfulness, but of course this system resets every time you get pregnant again. Not to mention, if you have three or more children, you have a free pass on not remembering anything until they leave the house.
2. Running Late . . . Again
You can pretty much use the standard rules for forgetfulness (see above), but you also have the opportunity to be extra creative here.
Off the top of my head, here are some of my go-tos:
- “Baby had a blow out.”
- “Baby nursed for an hour and a half.” Give or take 30 minutes.
- “Kids couldn’t find shoes.” I’ve found this only works as a mom-scuse when dealing with other parents. People without kids have no idea how many painful hours it can take a child to find her shoes (which she probably just took off, like 10 minutes ago).
- “Kids lost my car keys.” Or my wallet . . . or my phone . . . etc.
3. Kids Misbehaving
You don’t want your kids to look like spoiled brats, and you even more don’t want to look like a terrible parent, so it’s important to have these mom-scuses VERY handy.
We all know your kid is just being selfish and annoying, but my favorite here is to say something psychological, because that’s hard for people to argue with.
- “She’s had an emotional week.”
- “She started a new class, so she’s just been overwhelmed and not acting like herself.”
- “She is dealing with the emotional loss of our pet fish.” (We had it for two weeks.)
- “She’s been feeling anxious because of another rough Dallas Cowboy season.” Just kidding; if we could use that excuse for misbehaving, the entire Metroplex would have been jailed up for many years.
When your kid is acting like a maniac in public, I also recommend sometimes going straight to physical excuses. I know, you let your kid eat eight pounds of candy and let him stay up late watching TV every night for the last month, but there are some really solid mom-scuses that are going to sound much better.
- “She didn’t sleep well last night.”
- “She hasn’t had a good nap in a week.”
- “I don’t think she’s had enough to eat today.”
- “She’s having a growth spurt.”
Remember, stay as generic as possible, and avoid anything that could lead to you being blamed.
4. Generally Smelling like Fart
I’m not even exaggerating or making up stuff on this one. Being a mom often means you literally stink. But I would like to go over these mom-scuses because often it’s important for people to know why you smell like dead fish.
- “Too much going on, and I forgot to wear deodorant.”
- “I’m trying to make a healthier home for my kids and am wearing natural deodorant.”
- “Didn’t wipe well.” My kid was on my lap the entire time I was pooping, and then I had to hold him as I was wiping and I didn’t get a good reach.
- “Baby threw up on me.” Eight times.
- “Couldn’t wash my hair for a week because the only moments I wasn’t with my kids were when I was sleeping.” Yes, I have tried to shower with my kids in the bathroom, but they ask too many anatomy questions that I’m not sure I know how to answer.
- “I’m wearing this outfit for the third day in a row.” I would love to wear other clothes, but that means doing laundry.
One exception is if you have a bad fart in public. No one wants to say, “Sorry, I ate too much broccoli.” Instead, in this situation I would automatically blame my youngest child. (I don’t want to embarrass anyone old enough to know what I’m talking about or argue that the fart wasn’t hers, so I always blame the youngest.)
5. Weight Gain
I wish I didn’t have to address this one, but it’s just a reality many moms face. In case you’re feeling self-conscious, here are some of my best go-tos:
- “It’s baby weight.” No, you haven’t been pregnant in six years, but who cares. That baby made you eat 40 pounds of Taco Bell and Dairy Queen when you were prego, and those pounds don’t leave on their own.
- “No time alone to workout.” People without children have magical ideas about working out with your children. Ever see me walking two miles pushing all my kids in a stroller while I bribe them to stay in their seats, threaten their lives, and then sing “A Whole New World” from Aladdin to keep them entertained? That was the one time I worked out with the kids. It took me two weeks to recover.
- “I eat my kids’ leftovers because I was taught not to be a wasteful person.” I’m not just going to throw away perfectly good candy!
- “I attended three children’s birthday parties every week for the last eight months.” That’s approximately 80 pieces of cake (or cupcakes).
Please share with me YOUR favorite mom-scuse!
