Permission to Make a Mess

I was perched in a tree on a 2×4, 8 feet off the ground, taking in the cotton candy skies over the farm — they might as well have been the horizon of the Tuscan coast. But in the snapshot of my memory, I’m looking out the dormer of a castle with hundreds of acres of lush green countryside slithering into the sunset.

If we’re not careful to cultivate it, the vibrant imagination of our childhood becomes a mere collection of lists and schedules. We lose our ability to drown out the traffic and picture ourselves on the world’s stage. We stop playing dress up. We don’t run outside in our pajamas and bare feet when we see snow, dancing wildly to capture it on our tongues. Instead, we bundle up, build a proper fire, and shield ourselves from one of nature’s most dramatic spectacles.

We buckle up, and clean up messes, and stash savings into an account that will help us get by when we’re old. We stop petting dogs and start using umbrellas and drive to parks with plastic equipment when we want our children to play.

I’ve somehow managed to believe that everything has to be clean in order for me to give myself permission to relax. It’s obsessive, this need for order. It’s as if I started nesting during those final weeks of pregnancy and never stopped. And for anyone that houses grubby little fingers touching everything they can get their hands on, you know that this presents a problem. I find myself gritting my teeth when baskets of toys are overturned, or peas spill off the edge of the table. I seem to have lost touch with the tree-climbing daydreamer at a time that I need her the most…when I’m trying to cultivate creativity in my own children.

Studies show that order contributes to healthy choices, strong traditions, and even generosity—all desired attributes for a mama raising her litter. Kids seem to function well with order and routine. Their sleep schedules, eating patterns, and overall behavior benefits from a routine because it provides predictability that allows them to be more independent, confident and cooperative. If a child is uncomfortable, over or under stimulated, or told “no” at every turn, they often act out in ways that can be misinterpreted as whiny or manipulative. Teachers, childcare providers and we moms understand this all too well.

However, my house can be meticulously clean if I so choose, so long as I don’t sacrifice time with my children for sorting my 17th load of laundry. Toys should be played with and not dusted. Blankets should transform into forts and we should have picnics at midnight every once in a while.

I ventured away from my typical ‘How to Be a Proper Mom’ reading recently and read an article that sings the praises of great and messy minds. In it, the writer encouraged an occasional break from conventional tidiness in order to give yourself some space to make your own mess. According to Kathleen Vohs, a researcher at the University of Minnesota, “Disorderly environments seem to inspire breaking free of tradition which can produce fresh insights.”

So the question becomes, do you want your children to be tree pruners or tree climbers, gift takers or gift makers. Better yet, which do you want to be?

How long has it been since you’ve made a mess…on purpose?